


part of me

by midnightsnacks



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Figuring Things Out, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 13:05:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14716610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightsnacks/pseuds/midnightsnacks
Summary: Magnus frowned, intertwining their hands. “I’m-” He looked up and thefineon the tip of his tongue died away.





	part of me

“I’m fine, really.” Alec insisted, untangling himself from the blankets Magnus had swathed around him. “I appreciate the effort but I need to get to the Institute.”

Magnus crossed his arms over his chest. “You were in the infirmary for two days after you nearly  _ died _ . I think the Institute can wait.” Magnus protested, even as Alec sat up in the bed, albeit with some difficulty due to the bundle of blankets surrounding him.

“I’m okay now, it’s half of the beauty of being a shadowhunter. We have iratze.” Alec pulled down his shirt to expose the place where he had recently been stabbed by his own arrow. There was a small jagged scar to mark the place but Magnus could remember it vividly enough without the indicator.

“But you should be resting. I know for a fact that your arm is still bothering you, and just-” Magnus shifted on his feet as Alec got to his feet with a small smile. “Don’t look at me like that. Just, don’t you deserve a day off for once?”

“I promise you that I wouldn’t be going back if I didn’t feel up to it.” Alec stepped forward and stroked Magnus’ arm. “Really, Magnus, I’m here. I told you I’m not going anywhere, and I meant it. What’s really wrong?” 

Magnus leaned into Alec’s touch, unable to resist. “I just feel useless, I should be able to help you and I can’t even get Caterina’s help because I can’t have her getting into trouble with Lorenzo right now. All I can offer are stupid blankets.” Magnus gestured towards the mound of them on the bed exasperatedly.

“Hey, you saved my life. I think that’s a little more important than warlock TLC.” Alec joked light-heartedly and Magnus snorted softly. He felt a tug on his arm and followed Alec back to the bed sitting down beside him at his beckoning. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you though. I know things have been crazy after...everything that happened, but I need to know that you’re okay.”

Magnus frowned, intertwining their hands. “I’m-” He looked up and the  _ fine _ on the tip of his tongue died away. He closed his mouth for a moment, focusing on his expert communication skills before speaking again. “How I’m feeling is hardly of importance when I know how much suffering Simon and Jace are being put through.”

“It’s important to me.” Alec pressed, squeezing Magnus’ hand reassuringly. “You gave up this  _ huge _ part of yourself for me and I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking that-”

“It’s your fault.” Magnus finished simply with a shrug. “It’s not, it was my decision. Full disclosure I knew there was a high price to be paid when I stepped into that fire but I did it because it meant saving an important part of  _ you _ , Alexander. But it wasn’t just that, it also meant undoing the damage I had caused by erasing Jace’s love for Clary and freeing Jace from Lilith's manipulation. I know what’s it like, to be used, not exactly like that but either way Jace didn’t deserve that.”

“Sometimes I wonder how much deeper in love I can fall.” Alec said, his tone teasing but his eyes heart-meltingly serious. Magnus ducked his head, he tried but failed to hide his smile.

“Yeah, well, I would do it all again in a heartbeat. So don’t go feeling guilty.” Magnus told him, nudging him with his shoulder. “I just hope biscuit knows that we saved Jace, that he’s going to be okay. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon.”

“It’s weird, but I kind of miss her.” Alec admitted and Magnus looked over at him with a sad smile. 

They sat together in silence for a moment before Alec turned his head back towards Magnus. “You never told me if you’re okay or not. You don’t have to tell me, but I’m here for you and I want to offer what help I can. Even if it’s something as small as blankets.”

Magnus shot Alec a crooked smile, looking down at where their clasped hands lay in his lap. “Honestly?” Alec nodded, gently urging him on.

Honestly, Magnus had been avoiding thinking about it. He ignored it even when sometimes he would lift his hands before remembering there was no underlying power behind them. He had been trying for the life of him to dismiss the fact that once again Asmodeus had ripped his life apart. But deep down he knew his efforts were futile.

“It feels-” Magnus searched for the words to describe this emptiness inside of him, an emptiness that had been easy to avoid with Alec hurt. But Alec wasn’t hurt anymore and Magnus couldn’t use that as a distraction any longer. “It sucks. It feels like I’m not the same person anymore.”

Alec used his free hand to tip Magnus’ chin up. “You’re still you, with or without your magic. You’re still Magnus Bane.”

Magnus nodded half-heartedly. “Logically I know that but my magic has defined me for centuries. It’s not as simple as giving it up and moving it on. As sweet as that sentiment is, I think I need to discover who I am in the absence of my magic. Maybe, I need to learn to be a new Magnus Bane. No longer High Warlock or even warlock Magnus. Just Magnus.”

“If that’s what you need, then I’m here to help you figure that out.” Alec told Magnus, lifting his hand from Magnus’ chin to his cheek. He brushed his thumb against Magnus’ cheekbone absently. “I just can’t believe your father would take your magic away from you. I know he’s a Prince of Hell but…” Alec trailed off with a sigh.

“He knows my insecurities and my weaknesses and it’s my fault because I let him in but I didn’t know any better at the time. Unfortunately, with my father, he knows exactly where to hit for it to hurt the most. And I think in his own twisted way he thinks he’s being merciful. That’s the trouble of letting people close to your heart, it takes time before you realize their true intentions. It’s a lesson I’ve learned far too many times.” Magnus felt a weariness settle over him which was only soothed away by Alec’s kind eyes.

“Well I can promise you one thing, I only have the purest intentions when it comes to your heart.” Alec leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Magnus’ forehead, curling his hand around the back of his head. Magnus let his eyes flutter closed, leaning into the comfort the kiss offered. Alec eventually pulled back but only to tug Magnus into a tight hug.

“I know. You think I’d go to Edom for just anyone?” Magnus murmured into Alec’s shirt, curling his arms around his strong back. 

“Oh, am I special?” Alec asked, pulling back for a brief moment and Magnus couldn’t complain when he was met with that blindingly bright smile.

“My dearest Alexander, of course you are, more than you could ever know.” Magnus slowly extracted himself from Alec’s arms, and not with a small amount of reluctance. “Thank you, but I won’t hold you any longer. I know you have to do your job, plus Jace could probably use your presence.”

“There’s no need to thank me, you know I always love talking with you.” Alec stood up, releasing Magnus’ hand and turning to root around for his clothes. “What are you planning to do today? I don’t like the idea of you hanging around here all by yourself.” Alec told him with a frown as he removed his shirt. 

Magnus took a moment to appreciate Alec’s chest as he changed, but it was quickly covered with a new dark t-shirt from his endless pile. Magnus tried to hide his disappointment but he caught Alec’s look of amusement.

“Don’t worry, Simon’s offered to help me learn how to be a mundane. Well, he didn’t so much as offer as I begged him but I can’t let him wallow in his pain and I really do need some help. My wardrobe is “outlandish” according to him and apparently I need a credit card now? I don’t get any of it but Simon used to be a mundane so I think he knows what he’s talking about.” Magnus made an annoyed face but offered Alec a shrug. “I’m too old for this.”

“Sounds like fun.” Alec said but it was hardly convincing. “And it’s nice of you to do that for him. I know he’s gone through a lot these past few days.” 

“Yeah, well I figured he could use some of my advice, it’s very old but very useful.” Magnus watched Alec gather all of his stuff. “So, you’re sure you’re okay?” He couldn’t help but ask one more time.

“Yes, I’m sure.” Alec leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to Magnus’ awaiting lips. Magnus itched to drag Alec into a much longer kiss but he knew Alec had to get back to the Institute, as much as Magnus would have liked him to stay.

Still, it was a sweet kiss and Alec’s lips were soft and patient against Magnus’ before he pulled away. “See you later?” 

“Of course.” Magnus agreed, and Alec pulled completely away. He shot Magnus one more gentle smile, no doubt to reassure Magnus’ mind, before heading out to face the day ahead of him. Magnus waited till he heard the door shut before falling back on the bed with a huff of breath, he felt the reality of everything sink into his skin.

**Author's Note:**

> I basically just discovered shadowhunters but it's taken over my life ?? But anyway, there's like a plot bunny stuck in my head that involves Simon and Magnus' day out, so basically a continuation of this fic, let me know if that's something you guys would want.


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